A years back when Old Knudsen was young, strong and vital, when his hair was grey with only a few flecks of white and and the age spots could pass for freckles he was a big city cop, well it was more like a summer job, they gave me a badge and a gun and I had fun shaking down the Hookers and legally shooting people in the back that ran from me, this really surprised the shit out of some of the joggers in the park, well if they didn't have those Walkermans on they would have heard me.
One case I had was a young Amish boy who had witnessed a murder, it unraveled corruption high up in the Police force, thankfully it had nothing to do with my own murder extortion racket, nowhere was safe for him so I decided to hide him in a place no one would ever think of looking for an Amish boy, an Amish Community with distant family members, oh yes, Old Knudsen has always had his cunning.
His mother was a tall gangly widow woman who kept giving me the eye, well it wasn't her fault one looked one way and the other looked the other way, she had this annoying habit of washing half naked with the door open, yeah like I wanted to see that, armpits like a French woman she had.
To fit in I wore Amish clothes and a fake Captain Ahab beard, luckily my gun was a small effeminate 38 revolver that fit neatly down my sock, no Magnum for me, I leave the penis issues to Dirty shameful Harry.
We had a computer building day in which all the surrounding Amish come round and help whittle modems and DSLs , if you think Dial up is slow you should try a Wooden Amish computer, their system AOL (Amish On Logs) says, "you've got wood" when you receive mail, the Amish net is only on from 4 am to 5 pm, that's more than enough time to read the many Blogs on pitch forks and cheese making, (all of which have been commented on by Kieran)
they once clicked on to Foot Eater's Blog, chickens dropped dead, milk soured and they were set back 40 years into a time of dark foreboding and superstition , of course there wasn't much difference than now.
They wanted me to get up at some unreasonable time to help with the milking, I said nothing gets up at that time, just ask the former Madam Knudsens, you'll be lucky if anything gets pulled before noon, I don't do mornings, oh those bastards didn't like that, going on about 'the English ways' well no one calls me a Sasenach and gets away with it ,but alas they won't fight you, but they will spit into your gruel, I wasn't complaining, it made it taste better.
I had to stay in touch with my partner on the outside to see if it was safe yet, he's a likable overweight family guy that gets killed off halfway through every case, Amish phones are also made from wood, hence my ear full of splinters , the bad guys traced the call and were coming to drill me full of holes like a piece of cheap plywood.
Old Knudsen had to brutally slay some of his fellow cops in a bloody shoot out they were Vice cops so no doubt high, easy targets, soon it was just me and my crooked Police Captain , he grabbed the Amish boy and held him up as a human shield, Old Knudsen cracked his neck aimed his gun at the captain and said, "you're fired", bang bang bang, 3 shots to the head, well into the boy's head, I tell you it wasn't my fault, the wee shite moved, besides I had grain in my crack from fighting detective Harden in the silo, we used to call him 'Defective Hardon' , ah cop humour.
Well the widow woman wasn't too happy, the Captain complimented me on my tight grouping on the boy's head and suggested I shoot with my eyes open next time, we shook hands and called it a draw.
It all worked out well in the end, in the sense that I got to go home, Amish T.V. is so dull, the beard trimming Network is the highlight, now and again I'll see an Amish and stick an icecream in his face and remember the good old days.
I wrote this post a couple of days before a nutter when into a Pennsylvania Amish school and shot 5 girls dead before turning the gun on himself. I didn't post this story at the time, now I dedicate it to those girls and their families and to those who were injured and may they take the post in the spirit in which it was written.
Naomi Rose Ebersol, aged 7, died at the scene Oct 2nd 2006
Marian Stoltzfus Fisher, aged 13, died at the scene Oct 2nd 2006
Anna Mae Stoltzfus, aged 12, was declared dead on arrival at Lancaster General Hospital, Oct 2nd 2006
Lena Zook Miller, aged 7, died at Hershey medical centre Oct 3 rd 2006
Mary Liz Miller, aged 8, died at Christiana Hospital in Delaware on Oct 3rd 2006
